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Joy Kirstin: Personal, Professional and Spirit-Life Coaching

MORE ARTICLES & SUCCESS TIPS

Your Personal Vision

The most successful businesses and individuals have an inspiring vision - a clear picture of what they are working to achieve.

Do you have a personal vision? I'll bet you do, even if you've never thought about it this way. I suggest that you make sure it is a conscious vision, because if not, unconscious visions can be more harmful than helpful. But more about those later in Section (3).

Creating a personal vision is easy if you stick to a few guidelines:

(1) Start At the End, Not the Beginning
A solid vision is an end result. To create an inspiring vision, start with where you want to end up - don't worry about how far away or unreasonable it may seem. Make sure it is big enough to make your heart sing. For example, saving money each month for a downpayment for a house is a step towards a vision. Owning your own home is the vision. It's hard to get excited about the steps to get there if the vision doesn't inspire you.

(2) Don't Think It, Imagine It
In other words, get out of your head and don't try to figure out HOW you are going to make this happen. For the moment, imagine what success you would choose if you had a magic wand and if it's something you truly want, let it be your vision. There is lots of time to figure out how to make it happen - but the first step is to be able to see and taste what you really want for yourself and put it in writing.

(3) Simple and Measurable.
Make sure you can state your vision in one phrase or sentence, and make sure it is measurable so you will know when you have attained it. For example, a vision of "better health" is not measurable. A vision of cholesterol within a normal range, or being able to hike 5 miles and enjoy it is measurable.

(4) Inspiration, not Shoulds
It is likely that you are thinking of several possible visions you have. Make a list of them and put checkmarks beside the ones that feel truly exciting and inspiring to pursue, and put x's beside the ones you feel you "should" pursue. Being able to separate your passions from your shoulds makes it possible to move forward on the passions. See if you can give yourself permission to let go of the shoulds for the time being.

(5) Put It in Writing
If you have a list of potential visions, choose no more than the top 3 and rate them in importance. Then, write down your first choice and date it. Put it somewhere where you will see it daily - on your bathroom mirror or on a sticky-note on your bank card in your wallet. See what fun it is to be reminded of an audacious goal every day!

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Personal Boundaries, Part 1: What Are They and How Do I Get Some?

"We teach people how to treat us, every day. Treat yourself well and others will learn that that's what you deserve." - Joy Kirstin

I was speaking with a friend the other day who told me about a conversation he had with his recently widowed mother. She described feeling pressured by a male friend to spend more time with him, and frustrated because "he wasn't getting the hint" that she didn't want to see him more. My friend told his mom that it sounded like a boundary issue, and suggested that she be more direct with the man about what she wanted and didn't want. His mother had never heard the word "boundaries" used in that context, but she did understand that she needed to be more direct, even it wasn't a comfortable thought for her.

Few of us have received any formal training about the importance of personal boundaries and our right and responsibility to create and maintain boundaries that work for us.

Cell Walls:

To better understand the whole concept of a personal boundary, think of a cell in your body. It could be a skin cell or a tissue cell or an organ cell. No matter what kind of cell it is, it has a boundary - a membrane or outside skin that allows certain things to pass through it, keeps certain things inside the cell where they belong, and keeps things that are harmful to the cell, outside. Boundaries allow a multitude of cells to do their jobs and to work well together without getting their contents or functions mixed up.

Personal boundaries are very similar - they filter and keep out interactions with others that are either harmful to you, or that drain your energy needlessly.

Being clear about your boundaries is about getting clear with yourself and the people around you about what others cannot do to you or around you. Anyone can extend their boundaries, and in fact, boundaries will need to be extended as you grow as a person. If you are a highly sensitive person - emotionally or psychically - you will need more defined boundaries than someone who is not very sensitive. Whatever boundaries you need, you don't have to justify them to anyone. When you extend (upgrade) your boundaries, you will need to be clear with those around you about how your new boundaries may affect them.

Your Existing Boundaries:

You already have personal boundaries, even if you have never thought of them that way. To get an idea of what your boundaries are, look at the ways people treat you or behave around you.

- Do people expect you to do things for them that you don't want to do?
- Do people speak to you in ways that you find demeaning, exhausting, or that make you uncomfortable?
- Do people gossip in your presence?
- Do you ever feel trapped or controlled by someone else's behaviour?
- Do people make too many demands on your time that you can't say no to?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, and if you feel uncomfortable with that, you have one of two choices: to hope that those people doing these things smarten up (they won't), or to upgrade your personal boundaries so you are no longer putting up with these things (you can - see below).

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Personal Boundaries, Part 2: Extend Your Boundaries and Attract Better Circumstances

When your boundaries are weaker than they need to be for you to flourish, you will tend to attract needy, disrespectful people into your life. As you learn to extend your boundaries, you will attract others who have similar higher standards. And at some point, boundaries become more or less automatic. People will stop testing them because they will just "get" it that certain kinds of behaviours don't happen around you. (And for what to do when people don't "get" it, keep reading...)

Here's a simple list to help you identify where you may need new boundaries and how to go about setting them:

(1) Make a list of 1-3 things you wish people would no longer do around or to you.

Example: I wish no one would ever make insulting comments to me, even if they are joking.

(2) Ask yourself if you are ready to create new boundaries to ensure that these things no longer happen around you. Find at least one new boundary that you are willing to set to stop some of these things from happening. If this feels impossible, seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor who can help you understand why you are tolerating behaviours or actions which are detrimental to you.

(3) Identify what you need to ask people to stop doing around you.

Example: I will talk to the people who make insulting comments to me, give them examples of the kinds of comments I'm talking about, and tell them this is no longer acceptable to me. If it happens again, I will say this isn't okay and leave the room. If it happens more than 3 times, I will cut off contact with this person.

(4) Go a step further and see what kind of boundary you could set that would more than take care of the problem.

Example: I will ask that all insulting comments - about me OR anyone else - no longer happen in my presence. And I will ask the person/people I am setting this new boundary with if they are willing to respect it. If they do not agree, I will let them know that I will have no more contact with them until they are willing to respect it.

(5) Make a plan for dealing with what happens when people test your new boundaries.

Example: I will ask a trusted friend to role-play this one with me, so I can practice hearing the kinds of things I'm no longer willing to put up with, and practice saying, "Please stop, this is not okay with me," and practice leaving the room if necessary. This is important to practice, because this new behaviour is not anything I've done before and it's uncomfortable.

Another example: I will write down a clear plan of action to follow if things don't change, and ask a friend to go through it with me. I will write it on an index card and carry it in my wallet so I can look at it and remind myself what's okay and not okay, and what I've decided to do about it.

(6) If you follow this process carefully, and repeatedly and still find it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries, there may be one of a few things in the way: unresolved emotional issues that require healing, an addiction or compulsion that's running you, or unfinished business with people from the past. If that's the case, find a therapist, counsellor or 12-step group to support you.

Summary:
(1) Boundaries help you define who you are and who you are not.
(2) You need boundaries in order to grow, and in order to relate with others in a healthy way.
(3) You can set boundaries by stopping others' behaviour around you.
(4) You extend your boundaries by having courage.
(5) You get courage from caring about yourself.
(6) Boundaries eventually become automatic and self-regulating, providing that you don't have major unfinished emotional business, substance addictions, or childhood wounds that need healing or resolution.

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Worry Meditation

One of the biggest gifts in my life is to work every week with clients who are constantly creating, evolving and teaching me wonderful ideas that I learn from and can share with others.

I have a client in Japan who recently shared his strategy for moving beyond his tendency to spend too much time worrying. He developed a daily habit of using some of his meditation time to commit to all the things he worried about. By creating a time and space that was dedicated to thinking about all the fears he had, it wasn't too long before he noticed big changes in his level of optimism and energy, and so did I.

If your level of anxiety or worrying is getting in the way of enjoying each day and taking positive actions, you may want to experiment with this strategy. In just a week, you will notice some big changes, provided you follow this formula. As long as you do it, you will be able to reap the benefits.

1) Pick up to 3 things that are worrying you, that you are afraid about, or feeling uncomfortable about. Limit it to 3 to begin. Write them down so you can remember exactly what they are.

2) Choose a specific time of the day to devote all your attention to worrying about these 3 things. Make sure you schedule at least 30 minutes for these appointments, at the same time of day.

3) At your scheduled time, sit down somewhere quiet with your list of up to 3 things and time yourself for 30 minutes. Begin worrying and use this time to worry about every aspect of these 3 things that you can think of. If you find your mind wandering, just take a breath and bring your focus back to the original worries, using your list if you have to.

4) If you start running out of things to worry about, just focus on your breath and keep returning to your list.

5) When the timer goes off, stop. Agree to meet yourself the next day at the same time to do the same thing. And most importantly, agree to not worry about these things at any other time before your next Worry Meditation. If will take a little practice, but within a week, you will notice some big changes.

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New Year's Message in a Bottle

I have a friend who has a very special bottle in her office. It sits on the top of a bookshelf. It is an old wine bottle that has been cleaned up and it is empty except for a letter rolled up inside, and a cork in the top.

It is her New Year's message to herself. Every year at New Year's, she makes some quiet time for herself and reads last year's message before saving it for a scrapbook, and then she writes a new message to herself. In it, she talks about the past year, about the things that are most important to her right now, about the special joys and challenges she is facing and about her hopes for herself and her family. She makes special note of the things she is most proud of having achieved in the previous year. Then she rolls it up, puts the cork back in and sets her bottle back on the shelf.

Over the years, she has collected a very special scrapbook of these letters to herself. Reading through, she can see her growth and progress through so many challenges and opportunities. Sometimes, she pulls out her scrapbook during the year when she is feeling unsure of herself. It reminds her of everything she has learned along the way, and of how she has handled challenges before.

Do you have a way to send yourself a message in a bottle? What would it be like if you did?

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What Would You Attempt to do if You Knew You Couldn't Fail?

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic." - Unknown

The last time the Fed Ex man arrived on my doorstep, it was to deliver a beautifully crafted, brushed metal paperweight with these works across the top:

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

It was a gift from a client who had just landed the dream job of her life. Actually, she didn't land it - she created it. She had hit the glass ceiling in the IT firm she works for and was, frankly, getting bored as one of their top project managers and internet architects. It didn't look like there was anyway to combine her technical skills with her management skills in a creative new way within her company.

So she took a chance. Figuring that she had nothing to lose before starting to respond to headhunter requests, she put together a presentation for her CTO outlining a whole new development area for the company. She designed her own personal disneyland, and in doing so, showed how many of the company's unseen challenges could be addressed while catapulting it several light years into the future.

She no longer cared what people would think or how soundly her idea might be rejected, laughed at, or dismissed. Two hours later, she had a brand new position in her company, and responsibility for implementing her dream in company offices and laboratories around the world.

Sometimes it's only when there's nothing left to lose that we dare to not let fear stand in our way. But the most successful people in the world have experienced the most failures. They know that in order to live their dreams, they must take chances and not all of them will work out.

What dreams could you be living right now if you dared to take action despite your fears? What new ideas and solutions would blossom within you if you were in the habit of asking yourself, "What would I attempt to do if I knew I couldn't fail?"

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Leap Before You Look - How to Take Successful Risks

"Experience is the toughest teacher because she gives the test first, and then the lesson." - Unknown

The ancient archteype of the Fool is often depicted as a young man with a hobo stick and bundle over one shoulder, holding a rose in front of him in the other hand, and accompanied by a small dog. He is so intent on following his rose, that he is oblivious to the fact that he is about to step merrily over a cliff's edge. His apparent obliviousness to the threat in front of him is not unnoticed by his dog, who barks a warning and backs away as they near the edge. But the Fool knows that there are times when you have to leap before you look, or you will never end up somewhere different.

The ability to take risks exists along a spectrum. At one end, there are lookers and at the other end, there are leapers. Somewhere in the middle is the ability to take calculated and informed risks. We all have our natural comfort zone somewhere along the spectrum.

The most successful people have learned to stretch their zone to encompass more choices along the spectrum. They are not afraid to take action, and yet they do not take foolish risks.

Tips for Lookers:

Lookers are the people who spend tremendous time and energy researching and preparing for the leap they want to take, but never take it. The more they learn, the more paralyzed they become. They tell themselves all kinds of stories about why they're not taking action: "The time's not right", "I don't know enough yet". Unfortunately, their strength in assessing a situation can become a barrier to ever taking action.

(1) Ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" This will allow you find out what is really holding you back. Fear of failure, success, or what other people will think are the three most common fears. Decide if the worst thing that could happen is something you can live with, and if it is, go for it!

(2) Get specific. If you are stalling because you're not ready, make a specific list about what needs to be accomplished for you to feel ready, and make a plan with deadlines to achieve each one. Do this right now. Post it somewhere where you can see it. If you don't, you risk living out your life in "not ready" land, because you'll keep changing the goal posts on yourself without even realizing it.

(3) Practice taking low-risk leaps. This will build your risk-taking muscle and you will soon find yourself moving toward the middle of the spectrum with less effort or stress than seems possible.

Tips for Leapers:

At the other end of the spectrum are the leapers - people who leap after every opportunity offered, whether or not it is a smart risk, and whether or not it really takes them in the direction they want to go. In fact, it is often the adrenaline rush of leaping rather than what they are leaping for that drives them. And believe it or not, their actions can be as fear-motivated as the person who never dares to make a move.

(1) Build in some "you" time every day for journalling, meditating or another centering activity so that you have some balance in the whirlwind of action. It may be hard to make the time, but it will not be long before you see the benefits.

(2) Ask yourself, "What do I get from leaping so quickly and so often? What am I really looking for?" You can make more use of your ability to leap if you are clear about what motivates you and what your long term goals are.

(3) Just because you have a million great ideas or opportunities does not mean you have to try to follow every one of them. Learn to choose the best ones and then give them your full attention. Letting go of the non-ideal opportunities is hard at first, but essential to making decisions that serve you well.

Whether you are stretching towards more leaping or more looking, remember to reward yourself along the way. Treat yourself to small pleasures everytime you take a growth step. You want to reinforce the benefits to every molecule of your being!

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How Does Your Garden Grow?

"Let us learn to appreciate there will be times when the trees will be bare, and look forward to the time when we may pick the fruit." - Peter Seller

In many places, the beginning of May heralds the official start of gardening season. In your business and personal life, it may also be a good time for some "gardening". Making changes and growing new opportunities start long before there's a visible crop to harvest. Here are a few tips on growing what you want this year:

(1) If what you most want to grow isn't available to plant just yet, or if the season's not right, take a tip from gardeners and plant a suitable "fill-in" crop - something that will feed nutrients to the soil, prevent weeds from taking over, and be pleasing to look at or eat while waiting to put in your dream crop.

(2) Life is too short to spend it looking longingly over the back fence to the neighbour's yard. If there is someone you know who is successfully growing things that whither and die in your yard, ask for advice on what you could be doing differently. Gardeners are generous with sharing their know-how and so are most people who have attained success in an area.

(3) Create space. Sometimes the only way to get things to flower is to give them a good pruning.

(4) While you're busy preparing to plant what you really want, do not forget to pay attention to the seeds that blow in on the wind and take root with no effort on your part. These are nature's volunteers Ñ and one of them may well grow up to be a plant you like even better than what you had chosen to grow.

We cannot control the passing of seasons or the amount of rain or sun that our gardens receive, but we can amend the soil, find out where things should be planted so they will flourish, and make keep unwanted plants with tenacious root systems in check.

Happy gardening!

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Strategic Planning Made Easy

Every aspect of business becomes easier with a little strategic planning. Many people in small businesses or in private practice shy away from business plans (unless the bank requires them) and miss out on the benefits of strategic planning.

Here are a few questions worth spending an hour on - whether or not you already have a business plan in place. Grab a pen or computer and start writing. If you have employees or partners, set aside a day and include them in the process:

(1) Why are you in business? What is unique about who you are and what you offer that your potential customers need to know about?

(2) Who are your customers/clients? The more you know about what makes them tick, what they need and what they are looking for, the better you can serve them.

(3) Where do you want to be in five years time? Emotionally, financially, professionally, and spiritually. What does your ideal future life and business look like? Write about it in detail.

(4) Where are you right now? Where are the biggest gaps between where you are now and where you want to be? What are your business's biggest strengths and how can you build on those? What is needed to get where you want to go - what skills, resources, increased knowledge?

(5) What needs to happen in the next year to get you to where you want to be? Once you have a one-year target, break it down into quarterly goals. Then, do whatever it takes to meet those goals. Review things once a month to see where you are on target, and where you are not.

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Take Back Your Time and Get Back Your Life - Part I: Priorities

Are you one of those people who never has enough time for things that would make a positive difference to your life or career? Many of my clients have had the same trouble, and have dramatically increased the quality of their lives by adjusting how they treat time.

The issue really isn't about time - it is about priorities. If you always tell yourself that there is not enough time, you are pulling a big mindtrip on yourself, and worse, you're falling for it! Every single individual on earth has the exact same amount of time available to them everyday. The difference is in how they spend it.

No matter who you are or how much is on your plate, if there is something you chronically do not have time for, time is not the issue. Priorities are. And the sooner you can acknowledge that, the sooner you will be able to make lasting changes in how you spend your time.

If you are chronically over-committed, get honest about why. How much of it is out of a need for approval, recognition, praise, love, control, money, rather than pure enjoyment? You need to find some less expensive ways to get those needs met, because the cost of doing things the way you're doing them is far too high - physically, emotionally, and even financially. When your time is chock-a-block with non-priorities, there is no room for better opportunities to find you, or more importantly, for you to find yourself.

When we started working together, one of my clients (I'll call her Lisa) was one of those "really busy" people who did a lot of complaining and worrying about her lack of time and the many activities she would not let go of, but in actual fact, she spend much less time on any of them than she thought. Lisa spent more time watching tv, procrastinating, and using visits with friends as distractions than she did on the things she thought were her priorities. And because she hadn't identified "down" time as a priority, she rarely got enjoyment from the time she spent just hanging out because she always felt she was avoiding what she really wanted to do. And she was.

That was several months ago, and Lisa has made a lot of changes. She has learned to put "time off" into her life as a priority, and now when she takes it, she is much more able to enjoy it. Because this need is being filled, she is more motivated to spend time on her "important" projects like preparing for a career change next year, and participating in the community and volunteer activities that give her pleasure.

If you can get honest and clear about what your priorities are, it is easier for your life circumstances to find ways to support them. And you will be in a better position to readjust your priorities if necessary.

I won't kid you - it can be excruciating to pick up your magnifying glass and get real with yourself about where things are at right now, but it is essential to creating lasting changes in how you life your life. And once the energy starts moving in that direction, you will find many pieces falling into place with less effort on your part than you may have imagined!

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Take Back Your Time and Get Back Your Life - Part II: Presence

How often are you truly present in each moment? Not thinking about something yet to come, or rehashing something that has already happened, but completely and fully present in what is happening right now?

If you are like most of us, you probably spend most of your time in the past or future. When we do that, we crowd out the present. And when there is no time for the present, it feels like there is not enough time.

Now, I'm not advocating that you quit your life and take up belly-button gazing as a way to spend your days! But the remarkable thing about time is that when we can spend even a few moments a day in the moment, it reaps untold benefits for our bodies and souls. Stress is reduced, productivity increases, creativity gets a chance to breathe so it can later flex its muscles.

"Being present" takes practice. Start with just 30 seconds and watch the wind blowing the trees, or take careful note of the subtleties and colours of a flower head. Increase your time to 5 minutes and go for a walk around the block or down the hall when you need to regroup. Focus all your attention on what you are seeing, smelling, hearing in the moment. You won't be able to do it perfectly - at first you will catch yourself thinking ahead or behind, but that's okay. It is the practice of presence and not the perfection of it that brings results.

Our souls thrive on moments like these. The more of them we have, the more time slows down, and not just in the moment we're truly present for. Practice taking a few extra minutes a day for the next couple weeks and see what happens!

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Take Back Your Time and Get Back Your Life - Part III: Persistence

Several months ago, one of my clients identified a real need for more "down" time in his life but he had no idea how he was going to get it. He dreamed of having a whole weekend off to spend anyway he liked, but he despaired of ever finding it.

I asked him to look ahead in his calendar to the first weekend without a commitment, even if that meant looking months into the future. In our session the next week, he announced that he had found a weekend, 6 months away, and had booked it off in his schedule. A week later, he had another weekend 2 months away free up so he moved his weekend up 4 months. It took a little convincing on my part to help him understand he could book off both of them!

Booking off time for those 2 weekends helped him make a huge shift in the way he lives his life. He started finding more and more time for himself on a weekly basis. Lately, when he talks about having a "busy couple weeks coming up", it means that he feels "busy" with less going on because his amounts of "down" time have become so necessary that he will no longer consider filling them up with anything else.

Seven or eight months ago, one of his fears of giving up rushing around was that he would have to give up doing the things he loved. And he did give up some things - but they were activities that he discovered he did out of habit and had not truly enjoyed for some time. Instead of taking more time "off" restricting him, it has paid off in every area of his life: health, career, artistic interests, and relationships.

Learning to schedule as far ahead as necessary to give ourselves the time we crave is a big change to make. We force ourselves off the "too-busy" treadmill and enter the land of free choice. It takes awhile for our systems to adjust to doing less, but once they do, they do not easily let us go back to a pace which is harmful.

Whether your challenge is to fully recognize how much time you do have so you can use it to nourish your soul, or whether your challenge is to learn how to put yourself first more often, let your calendar, daytimer, palm pilot help you out. Write in your new time needs starting immediately, and schedule them in for a minimum of three months. Once they exist in writing, you will treat them with more respect. Before long, you will look back at how you once lived and wonder how you ever managed at your old pace!

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Three Personal Upgrades to Make Navigating Change Easier

"It only takes one person to change your life - you." - Ruth Casey

I am sure you know that saying, "The only thing constant is change". The most successful people have learned to dance with change when it happens, to anticipate it, and to work with it instead of resisting it.

There are 3 things that make will it easier to welcome change and each one of them is well worth the investment of energy needed to put it into place:

(1) You need a reserve to truly be able to enjoy change and encourage it. A reserve is having more than enough of things like money, time, leisure, love, acceptance, etc. When you have reserves in key areas of your life change is less threatening and in fact, is often fun.

(2) You need high standards and healthy boundaries to attract positive change. Standards can be thought of the level of acceptability and quality you expect to have in your life. When you raise your standards, you shift how you interact with life and you attract more that meets your standards and less that doesn't. Boundaries are what you put in place to protect your standards. For example, let's say you have a standard that you only have people in your life who treat you with respect and are never verbally or otherwise abusive towards you. If this is a new standard, you may need to change your boundaries to enforce it, by telling anyone who does treat you abusively that this is not acceptable to you, telling them what would be acceptable to you, and then letting them know that if the unacceptable behaviour doesn't change, you will have to walk away from the relationship in order to preserve your standards. This is setting a boundary, and when your boundaries are healthy, they act like cell membranes that let in only what nourishes you and keep what is no use to you.

(3) You need a big vision in order to not be distracted or diverted by change. When you have a sense of purpose and vision of what the bigger picture is for you personally, you will be less likely to chase down every new opportunity that change brings, and more likely to spot the ones that further your vision for yourself. You will also be less likely to be derailed by changes that make something look impossible, when in fact it may just have to be approached in a different, new way.

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What Choices Are You Making?

"Every choice moves us closer to or farther away from something. Where are your choices taking your life? What do your behaviors demonstrate that you are saying yes or no to in life?" - Eric Allenbaugh

I had a sad conversation with a friend the other day. Three years ago, she started a new business with lots of enthusiasm and excitement and this month she is closing her doors because the business has failed. The part that was saddest is that the warning signs were all there and had been for quite some time but instead of paying attention to the signs and taking action to turn things around, she chose to hide her head in the sand.

Anytime we talked about how it was doing, she was quick to tell elaborate stories about why things were not doing as well as they could be, and why she could not take the action on the suggestions that creditors, customers and friends were making. In a sense, she chose failure - again and again until the business was run right into the ground. She turned down valuable advice, she put her own personal agenda ahead of the business's needs, and she grew more and more frustrated at her own sense of failure.

There is no guarantee that her business would have survived if she had done things differently, but even if it had not, she would not now be faced with the years of inaction and the many ways she ignored both the warning signs and the possible solutions. The ironic thing is that over the past couple of months with the closure looming closer everyday, she finally was ready to make some of the changes she should have made earlier. But it was like trying to bail out a half-sunk ship with a bucket.

Are there any signs in your life that you keep ignoring, explaining away or blaming others for? Well, uh, yes, I hear some of you saying, but there are really good reasons for why I am doing what I am doing. A gentle word of warning: the ways that we each have to explain things to ourselves ALWAYS sound perfectly reasonable - to us at least. If you are in doubt, get a second and third opinion from colleagues, customers or professionals who you know will tell you the truth and not just what you want to hear. It may be scary, but isn't it better to take action now then when it might be too late?

Life simply does not come with that "rewind" button that would be so handy. The best any of us can do is learn from where we have been and do our best to not duplicate our part in creating disappointments and disasters the next time around.

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How Do You Value You?

"Find out who you are and do it on purpose." - Dolly Parton

I have a new client who is one of the most charismatic and innovative people I know. Roberta is one of those people who everyone hopes will be involved in their next project because she has got a million great ideas and knows how to make them happen. Her enthusiasm and sense of fun is contagious and she has the special gift of making everyone feel like whatever they are working on is the most exciting thing in the world.

Unfortunately, she has no idea what she is worth. She does not believe that what people value the most about her is the stuff that comes naturally. "I know that people like working with me," she said to me awhile ago, "but I don't know why. I mean, I don't really KNOW how to do anything of value."

Try telling that to the people in the numerous community associations, committees and special events she has been involved in. They talk about her long after a project has completed and her term of service has ended. Many times, they credit her with their successes because they don't know how they would have done it without her. Sometimes, when a new project is underway, they talk about needing "a Roberta" to help them out. I know, because I recently joined a group that she was once a part of. They are not always sure exactly what she did, but they know that when she was on board, goals that seemed impossible suddenly started happening.

Roberta is not alone in underestimating her value. What do you do so automatically, so easily, that you take it for granted? Why do people love to have you around? What would your best friends and work colleagues name as your greatest attributes if you asked them?

Find out what you are good at, especially the things you think "don't count". When you can see their value to others, you can begin to see new possibilities for your own career and life opportunities.

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How Well Do You Listen? Part I: Setting Aside Your Agenda

The sense of being heard and understood is the greatest indicator of success in any relationship whether it is with a client, a customer, a friend or a mate. In short, we all like interacting with people who make us feel good, and we tend to pull away from those who do not.

By bringing just a little more attention to the way you listen, you can improve your communication skills and the quality of all your relationships tremendously. Even those of us who consider ourselves good listeners can almost always improve.

Here are a couple questions to ask yourself: (1) While I listen to someone, do I ever simultaneously plan my response to what they are saying?

(2) Do I ever know what I want to say next in the conversation before the other person has finished speaking?

(3) Do I have trouble listening carefully enough for long enough to hear all that is NOT being said?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then join the human race - you are probably not listening as much or as well as you think you are!

Good listening requires staying completely present in the moment with all of your focus being on what is being said. When the other person has finished, good listening requires reflecting, asking a question for clarification or otherwise letting them know that you have heard and understood them BEFORE you add your own thoughts or opinions. And it is never enough to just tell them that you have heard them because actions always speak louder than words - you must demonstrate it or they will not feel it.

This week, see if you can focus on listening really well to at least one conversation every day. Put your own agenda, thoughts and assumptions aside and TRULY listen to what is being said. It will make a world of difference in your relationships and in how you move through each day!

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How Well Do You Listen? - Part II: Using All Your Senses

Have you ever had one of those conversations when no matter how well you thought you listened, the other person did not feel heard and soon began to show signs of frustration, anger or boredom?

It happens all the time. Communication styles vary from person to person but we all have one thing in common: no matter how well-trained we are in communicating, we ALWAYS expect others to communicate as we do, in the style WE know best.

The result is that we listen to them as if we were listening to ourselves which prevents us from hearing what they are saying because we are too busy bouncing around inside our own judgements, assumptions and beliefs. And they feel thwarted in their efforts to communicate, which is the death knell in any relationship, whether it is with a loved one, a customer or a co-worker.

The most effective listening involves much more than hearing just the words that are spoken. It detects when there is something important that is not being spoken and asks non-judgmental questions to receive more information. It involves "listening" as carefully to body language, behaviour patterns and timing as we listen to words.

When we listen well with all our senses, we can build relationships that are mutually enjoyable and beneficial. On the other hand, every time we let our own communication biases get in the way of relating to another, we lose potentially valuable connections, or worse, create disasters that damage relationships, sometimes irretrievably.

Some communication disasters are hard to miss. They are like car wrecks and once the damage is done it's easy to see where things went badly off course. Other disasters are less obvious. They are like the air seeping out of a barely damaged tire. Effective listening with all your senses will alert you to the signs of an air leak long before the tire goes flat.

Practice noticing your own communication biases. They will never go away, but the better you understand them and how they influence your judgements and experiences, the more easily you can listen through them to what is going on for someone else.

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Courageous Conversations

"What we need most of all today are courageous conversations. Nothing saps strength like the conversation which is not being had." - David Whyte

Is there something in a key personal or work relationship that you are stepping carefully over, walking around and around without confronting? Is there a conversation you need to have that you are avoiding?

I recently attended the 5th Annual International Coaching Federation conference in Vancouver, BC. One of the keynote speakers was David Whyte, a poet who specializes in working with organizations of all sizes to help them bring creativity, soul and the work of the heart back into the lives of corporations and the people who work in them.

David speaks eloquently about the need for courageous conversations, not just with the people in our lives, but with ourselves and the world around us. He maintains that one's identity is based on how much attention we are paying to the world.

He reminds us that we cannot spend all our time living out our "to-do" lists and expect to experience our true potential in the periphery. We need to make the things that enliven us the center of our lives. Otherwise, we are in hiding from the greater forces of life and if they cannot find us, we cannot benefit from their presence.

When we cut ourselves off from who we really are in all our parts, we do great damage not only to ourselves, but to all those we are in relationship with because we will begin to expect them to provide everything we have cut ourselves off from within us.

Have a courageous conversation today! Reclaim a piece of yourself that is usually hidden and see what happens when you invite it into the conversation of your life!

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The Ideal Day

"The way we live our days, is the way we live our lives." - Annie Dillard

When is the last time you had an ideal day? Do you even know what that looks like?

The best key I know to creating an environment conducive to attracting what you really want is to move the focus away from long-term goals and dreams and hone in on daily life. When you make each day as ideal as it can be given what is true right now, you not only begin a pattern of shifting things for the better, but you can learn a lot about what is truly important to you.

Focusing on what makes your days ideal is a great way to automatically orient your life around your true values, and when your life reflects those values everything else starts to fall into place more easily. It is a little like an archer adjusting the trajectory of the arrow - the smallest changes can yield big results.

Wanna Play? Find a piece of paper and scribble down 5-10 things that would be part of your day tomorrow if it was the most ideal day possible right now. Your list will likely include intangible as well as tangible items, like "feeling so happy I want to whistle all day" to "getting in 2 hours of productive work on that project that is due" to "seeing what is funny in a frustrating situation". You get the idea. Writing things down makes it easier to see and remember them.

When I do this I do not always experience every item on my list coming true, but I always experience at least two or three and that is enough to add a little sparkle to the whole day and to leave me feeling blessed and optimistic about the process when the day is done. The best part is that it seems to take very little effort.

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Feeling Bummed?

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller

I don't know about you, but sometimes all the positive-talk, feel-good stuff that I hear so often in the personal development field really bums me out. Usually this happens when it feels like things in my life have hit a snag. When that happens, quite frankly, the last thing I want is to hear is anyone talking about thinking positively so things will get better.

Usually when I am bummed out, a part of me is engaged in some pretty intense "brewing" below the surface of things. Trying on new ideas or evolving past some old patterns. For me, it happens first at levels I'm not even aware of and can sure feel like I am not making ANY progress at anything!

Coaching people through their own life path processes, including those occasional "dark nights of the soul", gives me the precious opportunity to learn things I miss when it is happening to me. Here are some of the things I have learned from my clients when they are feeling bummed:

(1) They are often making a huge leap in how they "walk their talk". They are realigning their integrity with what truly "is" instead of how they think things "should" be. And they are integrating more parts of who they are, which cuts down on the amount of energy they have available to maintain the status quo. (This may be uncomfortable for awhile, but always leads to more energy later! Really.)

(2) They are unlearning what they used to feel comfortable with, and as they do, they experience the rug getting pulled out from underneath them - sometimes on a regular basis for a period of time. New aspects of the truth about their lives are emerging and with those come new standards and boundaries that may not be very comfortable at first. Coaches call this "increasing the size of the game". If you have been used to swimming in a small pond with small fish, the personal growth required to swim in a bigger pond with bigger fish can be huge. However, stepping into your new size soon means you will be allowing yourself to start attracting opportunities that match who you truly are.

(3) It is almost impossible to see the big picture when you are in the middle of it. It is a little like being on foot in a foreign city reading a map that may show the streets, but doesn't give any indication of the steep hills surrounding you that are blocking the great views. A trusted friend, a coach, a loved one who is able to see past what you are currently feeling while understanding and accepting where you are at is an invaluable resource during intense periods of growth and change.

The next time you are feeling bummed, know that something pretty big is probably going on, even if you cannot see or sense it yet with your mind. Don't try to talk yourself out of what you are feeling, but don't let it become all that you are either, because it's not. Find at least 3 ways every day to take especially good care of yourself because your system will be using a lot of energy you may not be aware of. Beware of keeping a stiff upper lip or trying to pretend that everything is fine. You know it's not, and so will the people around you.

And look for opportunities to laugh - even at your own expense. Trust me, they are always there!

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Whose Life Are You Living?

"We limit ourselves by the way that we think. We must learn to think outside of our limitations." - Lou Tice

Whose life are you living? It sounds like a simple question, but think about it for a moment. How much of what you do is because you think you should? How much is an ongoing effort to make others happy or try to meet their expectations of you?

One of the things most of my clients confront early on in our coaching is an increased awareness of the parts of their lives that do not really belong to them. The closet-performer who turned her back on a career on stage because her mother was adamant she get a real job, the frantic would-be entrepreneur who spent years not developing her own business ideas because she was too busy bailing family members out of their business crises, the corporate executive who has finally "succeeded" beyond his wildest dreams but no longer remembers why he wanted to achieve what he did because all he wishes for are more afternoons puttering in his garden.

The sad thing is that once you set a course for yourself based on someone else's to-do list, a lot of time can go by before you even realize that something is missing in your life, and that something is you. You may be lulled into thinking that the cost of staying where you are is less than the cost of rediscovering yourself, but my experience with clients tells me exactly the opposite. Every step you take to allow a hidden part of yourself to come out and play not only breaks the fear cycle, but it will bring new energy and excitement in ways you cannot imagine until you are willing to give it a try.

Someone shared a cool acronym with me the other day: Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Something to think about - after all, what have you got to lose?

Tips for Reconnecting with Your Very OWN Life:

(1) Grab and pen and brainstorm the top 5 things you'd honestly like to spend your time doing if you did not have to earn money. Start with a list of 20 or so and hone it to include things that you love and you're good at, or would like to try. Be impractical and outrageous - after all, it's only brainstorming!

(2) Take a walk at least once a day and notice your surroundings. Even a quick walk around the block counts. Moving and paying attention to what is around you gives your system a chance to attract new opportunities and discover new possibilities. Skeptical? Try it for two weeks and see how it makes you feel!

(3) Post a list on your fridge, computer or bathroom mirror and leave a pencil there. Scribble down any and all ideas you have for ways to increase the enjoyment in your everyday life. Start doing at least one of them a week. If it feels too frivolous, remember that it is the simplest and smallest actions that often have the biggest results!

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So, You Want to Start Your Own Business...?

"It's almost impossible for you to motivate yourself beyond your expectations. But if you raise the level of your expectations, you can raise the level of your performance." - Lou Tice

Every day I speak with people who would like to work for themselves. Some of them have a business or consulting idea they are eager to put into action. Others aren't sure what they want to do - they just know that they have had it with working for someone else.

As someone who has been solely self-employed for the past 12 years or so, I can speak to both the advantages and disadvantages of working for yourself. On the one hand, there is nothing like it - provided you learn to work with your strengths, you love what you do, and you have a few solid foundational steps behind you to help you through the start-up period and the inevitable ups and downs that will come. What you do not get in employer-provided benefits packages, pension plans, and a guaranteed regular pay cheque, you more than make up for in the autonomy and freedom of being your own boss.

On the other hand, self-employment is not for everyone. If you thrive better within structure, you will either have to create it for yourself or wing it - and unfortunately, winging it often leads to floundering. Eighty percent of new businesses fail within the first year, and of the 20 percent that last longer than that, another 80 percent do not make it to their 5th anniversary.

Here are a few tips on how you can give your new business idea the best chance possible:

(1) Create Reserves: $, time, love, energy Build your reserves before launching your new venture, and make it part of your business budget to contribute at least 10 percent of all profits back into your financial reserve. When you have a financial reserve, you ensure yourself the freedom to respond rather than to react and the peace of mind this brings will make you and your business much more attractive to customers, clients and potential investors. No customer likes to feel like the only thing standing between your business and bankruptcy is the amount of services or products they purchase from you. No matter how successful you appear, if you are teetering on the edge, customers will sense it and will look elsewhere. In addition to a financial reserve, do everything you can to build time, love and energy reserves into your life. Your business is only as strong as you are. If possible, keep your day job until the business is bringing in enough money to sustain itself without your help.

(2) Profitability Is your business supporting you or are you supporting your business? Make profitability a number one priority, from day one. Do not get caught in the "it costs money to make money racket". It does, but most entrepreneurs overextend themselves unnecessarily in the beginning, making it harder to catch up later on. Profitability is not about the amount of $ coming in - or even about the level of profits made each year. It is about the relationship of money coming in to money going out, and if you have not designed things for high profitability, you may inadvertently be designing them for burnout.

(3) Get Support Don't try to go it alone - lone rangers rarely win in the business world. Create a support team of people you trust to meet regularly for brainstorming, help with challenges, fresh perspectives. Design and implement systems strong enough that you can start delegating tasks as soon as possible. Hire a coach, hang out with successful businesspeople, find a mentor - whatever it takes! Oh, and definitely get a good accountant with lots of home/small-based business experience - they are more than worth their weight in gold!

(4) Do what you love, but... It is essential to love what you are doing, but if you are going into business or private practice, you will have to also do lots of what you might not love doing: administration, bookkeeping, taxes, marketing, promotion, sales, etc. In other words, make sure you want to do business. If not, you may be happier doing what you love to do for someone else who handles all the rest of it.

(5) Don't let the initial excitement of a new business turn into burnout and boredom! To make it successfully through the start-up phase: look after yourself, maintain a life outside the business, and take enough time away from it on an ongoing basis that you remember why you wanted to do it in the first place!

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Success Tip: The Magic of NOT Slowing Down

As a coach, I often support people in slowing down the pace of their lives so that they can gain valuable time and space for feeling more connected to themselves. However, slowing down is not always what is needed, especially for those working in high-paced industries where speed and quick response time is often the name of the game.

If this sounds like you and the quest to slow down feels insurmountable, you may want to experiment with another approach. When you are pressed to make a quick decision, pause, take a deep breath, and see if you can imagine sinking into a deeper place in yourself.

We all have that deeper place - and accessing it does not take any more time than coming from the logical, analytical place that decisions often stem from. It does involve allowing more of your senses to get involved so you get a more wholistic view of what is happening. And coming from that more reflective place usually yields more effective results.

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Success Tip: Make Friends With Your Fears

Hidden fears can run our lives unless they are attended to. They will sabotage successes, taint achievements, and paralyze movement. If you are tired of trying to "positive self-talk" your fears into submission, or out-think them with brain power, you may be ready for a creative new approach.

Make friends with a fear. Coax it out of hiding, talk nice to it, find out how it understands its role in your life. It may be trying to protect you >from something that is outdated, or warn you about something that needs your attention. If you can turn your fear into an ally, it will work with you instead of against you.

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Success Tip: Clutter-Bust Your Way to Success

If you are stuck in some area of your life, or having trouble getting new projects off the ground, clearing out the clutter in your life is a great way to free up energy for new things to arrive.

Three questions to ask yourself when you are clearing away clutter are:

(1) Does it function? (If it's broken, either fix it or recycle it.) (2) Does it work in my life today? (3) Does it make my heart sing?

If the items in your closets, drawers, garages and rooms do not meet the above criteria, either fix them, give them away, or recycle them. Happy clutter-busting, and remember to do it with the intention of making room for what is now desired in your life!

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Success Tip: Stop Striving and Start Letting Go!

Are you caught in the hero trap? You know the one - you work hard, not because you are captivated by what you are doing, but because you are used to striving and struggling to get to where you want to go.

And sooner or later you get bogged down. Or stuck. And when you get stuck, you work harder - doing the same thing you have always done only more of it. And you still keep pulling rabbits out of hats, or dazzling others with your acumen, or winning awards for being the martyr of the year.

Stop striving and start letting go. If you are feeling frustrated or blocked, clear some space - mentally, emotionally, physically. Find one thing right now that you are attached to doing or being although it is not serving the "you" you want to become. Then, let go of it, at least temporarily.

If you let go of enough things that are sucking your energy, you won't be stuck anymore....... But beware: what you may need to let go of is the very thing you are most inclined to hold on to.

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Success Tip: Work Hard, Play Hard

Too much work and not enough play leads to unproductive work habits, time-wasting, apathy, boredom with both career and leisure time and even despair.

Do you get enough play time? Enough alone time? Enough sleep?

Without enough of any of the above, you are not nearly as productive, creative or effective as you could be. Our human brains simply cannot work as well as they should without time to dream, muse and reflect.

Take time for yourself, and guard it fiercely! When you are "playing", play hard - it will ensure that you really allow your brain the space to shift into another gear. And if you are like many of my clients, you'll find that both your play and alone time more than pays for itself in increased efficiency the rest of the time.

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Success Tip: Acceptance is the Key to Change

Is there something happening in your life that you do not like? The first key to creating change is to accept it. Stop trying to deny it, resist it, beat yourself up for it or fast-forward it. It is what it is, even if you don't like it.

Acceptance is the first step to figuring out the best way to deal. Until you have accepted the current reality, you will waste precious energy in resistance - energy that could be put towards creating change.

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Success Tip: Act "As If"

Have you ever caught yourself looking at a successful colleague or business competitor and wishing that your life or your business was bringing you the same kinds of results as theirs seems to be?

You have heard from many sources of the importance of a having a vision of where you want your life or your business to be. This tip is not about creating the vision - this tip is about a secret success ingredient to add once the vision exists, as you embark on identifying the steps to take you >from where you are to where you want to be.

With the vision clearly in mind, ask yourself how a person or company who has reached this level of success would have to have acted to have created that. Ready that again because it is important: how they would have to have acted to have created that.

Starting today, begin to act as if that ideal life or business is the one you are creating. There is an important distinction between acting as if you are already there, (which no doubt could be a fun trip in fantasyland, at least until the overspending or too many afternoons at the golf course caught up with you!) and acting as if the result you truly want is the one you are engaged in creating - each and every day.

Try this for a month and see what a difference it makes!

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Success Tip: Build Up Your Reserves

As a coach, I help people identify and build reserves of all sorts - time, love, support, money, pleasure, etc. Building a reserve means looking at how much you need of something in order to be at your best and creating more than enough of that thing so it is there supporting you every minute of every day.

Having a surplus of something you need makes it easier to take risks, follow new opportunities, and recover quickly when life deals you its inevitable surprises and challenges.

Is there an area of your life where you are stretched a little thin right now? Find a creative way to buff up your reserve in that area, and do not be afraid to start small.

I was working with a client recently who lives from paycheque to paycheque and who wanted to start save money regularly but felt that because of current challenges, it was not the right time.

As we talked, it became apparent that he had held this dream for years, but it was never "the right time". I asked him to start saving just 1 percent of everything that came in. He did this for a month, and then we upped it to 5 percent for a month. This last month, he increased it to 8 percent and in another couple weeks, he will be saving 10 percent of his income.

The trick was starting small and getting used to doing it. After three months, it has already become a habit that will be easy to maintain because he is already enjoying the increased peace of mind and feeling of accomplishment it brings.

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MORE ARTICLES & SUCCESS TIPS

This Month's Featured Article:

Articles:

Success Tips:

Your Personal Vision

Personal Boundaries, Part 1: What Are They and How Do I Get Some?

Personal Boundaries, Part 2: Extend Your Boundaries and Attract Better Circumstances

Worry Meditation

New Year's Message in a Bottle

What Would You Attempt to do if You Knew You Couldn't Fail?

Leap Before You Look - How to Take Successful Risks

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Strategic Planning Made Easy

Take Back Your Time and Get Back Your Life - Part I: Priorities

Take Back Your Time and Get Back Your Life - Part II: Presence

Take Back Your Time and Get Back Your Life - Part III: Persistence

Three Personal Upgrades to Make Navigating Change Easier

What Choices Are You Making?

How Do You Value You?

How Well Do You Listen? Part I: Setting Aside Your Agenda

How Well Do You Listen? - Part II: Using All Your Senses

Courageous Conversations

The Ideal Day

Feeling Bummed?

Whose Life Are You Living?

So, You Want to Start Your Own Business...?

Success Tip: The Magic of NOT Slowing Down

Success Tip: Make Friends With Your Fears

Success Tip: Clutter-Bust Your Way to Success

Success Tip: Stop Striving and Start Letting Go!

Success Tip: Work Hard, Play Hard

Success Tip: Acceptance is the Key to Change

Success Tip: Act "As If"

Success Tip: Build Up Your Reserves